How To Kill Relena 101
by Usagi1313
Summary: A story of our boys ridding themselves of the pink menace. Enjoy.


Disclaimer: Relena's not mine but the boys are uh-huh uh-huh I've got picture's.  
  
How To Kill Relena 101  
  
"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" was the cry heard as the pink monstrosity (also known as the queen of the world) came running down the drive. How the crazy pink thing became queen of the world is anybody's guess. It could be because all the other dignitaries were drunk or maybe it was because they were all a bunch of perverted old men who needed a good new dress up doll (she walks, she talks, she reven rules the world). Either way they all needed to be shot for letting this pink alien in a woman's guise have sway of the world. As she picked up speed a resounding SPLAT was heard. Heero looked gratefully over to his braided savior as he dropped the rope, dusted off his pants (not that you could tell there was even dirt on them since they were black), and walked over to everybody's favorite perfect soldier.  
  
"Che You'd think she'd learn by now" Duo started as he grabbed Heero's arm and began dragging him toward their current safehouse. "Oh well, it was fun either way. Looks like its time to find a new safehouse."  
  
Now why were they in a safehouse even though the war has ended you ask. Well due to Duo being on global TV from when he was captured and Heero being Relena's dear gundam pilot "fiance" as she had announced three weeks ago while showing everbody his picture they were now the target of many enemies. Mind you they didn't mind too much, not like they had anything better to do. They quickly walked into the safehouse and made a beeline for their shared bedroom. They then grabbed their duffles tossing in anything that had happened to have fallen out and took off in their jeep.  
  
"Man somebody really needs to do something about her. She's starting to be a big pain. Not that she already wasn't but you know what I mean right" Duo said.  
  
"Hn" Heero replied as he opened his laptop and started to secure their new residence.  
  
"Yeah. Hey I know why don't we get rid of her" was the response to Heero's grunt.  
  
"Hn" grunted Heero once more.  
  
"Well duh! I didn't mean kill her so that anybody would suspect us as killing her. Hmmm. What do you think?" Duo asked as he sped down the road.  
  
"Hn" Heero once again replied as he finished with his computer and started to pack it up.  
  
"That's a great idea Heero. Totally brilliant. Man I wish I thought of it myself." was Duo's responce to this latest grunt and as they drove off into the sunset Heero wondered just when it was Duo decided that the voices in his head were translations for his grunts. However seeing as it kept him from having to actually converse he decided he really didn't mind and finished packing up his laptop wondering just what this great idea of his was.  
  
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That night while they were eating dinner Heero found out was his "great" plan was and almost wished he hadn't had it. Totally forgetting for a moment that he hadn't had it.  
  
"Now first you'll call up Relena and ask her on a nice scenic picnic." Duo started unaware of the danger he had just placed himself in. "Then we'll HEY PUT THAT GUN DOWN!!!!!! THIS WAS YOUR IDEA REMEMBER?" Duo screamed as he ducked behind the dinning room chair. Not that it did him any good mind you due to the fact that it was one of those without a real back just a few bars to keep you from falling through. As Heero put the gun down he reminded himself that it was his fault for not stopping his idiocy earlier and decided to hear him out. "Ahem, like I was saying then we tell her that she would have to bring a friend because I'm coming along as well so we can do some mountain climbing. You will then pretend to fall down and grab a secure ledge. We'll scout it out beforehand so don't worry. Then while all the attention's on you I'll push Relena over the cliff and make it look like she fell. It's failproof. Have I told you how much of a genuis you are?" Dou finished looking as excited as a kid on Christmas. Heero had to admit that the plan had merits and decided to give the plan a go. If it would rid him of his pink stalker he'd try anything.  
  
What Heero hadn't counted on however was how long it would take to get Relena to agree to go. Not that it was hard convincing her mind you but after he had said hello she just seemed to babble for the next hour. He eventually got to ask her for a picnic just to have her babble for another hour and a half before he could tell her she had to bring a friend for Duo. She then proceeded to, you guessed it, babble some more nonsense before he was able to tell her the time and place. He was sure he could probably go in the book of world records for the recieving the longest acceptance to a date in world history. Yes he was sure no other guy had to sit through six hours of conversation for what should have been a ten minute call. As he hung up the phone he decided he was sending their phine bill to Relena.  
  
It only took the boys three hours to gather everything they would need and scout out their chosen site. As they went to bed that night they decided that tomorrow would be a very good day.  
  
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It was a dreary morning not one you would usually choose for a picnic. The first thing you noticed was how humid the air was making it uncomfortable to just wait outside. The next thing was the ground was still soaked from the downpour of the night before no it definatly wasn't the sunny day most went for picnics on but to our favorite pair these conditions were perfect. It made Relena slipping off a cliff much more believable. The boys picked up Relena around ten along with her new friend Sandy. They then drove out to the cliffside to set up their picnic site. After about an hour of listening to Relena once again babble on the boys decided enough was enough and set their plan into action.  
  
"Well time for some climbing," Duo said as he stood up and stretched. "Heero be a pal and set up the ring thingies while I go get the rope out of the jeep."  
  
Heero then proceeded to set up their gear tying an indiscreet piece of fishing wire onto one of the rings setting it close to where he was to slip as he finished his task he gave a convincing grunt of surprise and slid down grabbing hold of the ledge about seven feet down. As he heard screams of dismay echo behind him he knew that the plan was working. As he looked up he saw the girls looking down. Now it was up to Duo to get Relena in the correct position for him to pull the string and have a small part of the edge fall off taking Relena's balance and hopefully her life with it.  
  
"Out of the way! Relena move over just a bit so I can throw this rope down to Heero. Hey Heero you dead buddy?" Duo yelled as he moved Relena where they wanted her and tossed down the rope. "Carefull not to slip girls." He added knowing Heero already heard the signal and was pulling the line. As he got a good hold on the rope he heard a gasp of fright as Relena went plummeting to the bottom of the canyon. He made a big show about trying to dive for a hand for her friend who fainted moments later as a resounding SPLAT was heard.  
  
After Sandy had fainted they immediatly got Heero to safety and called in the ambulence, police, fire department, anima control, and the preventors. Duo of course was the one to make the phone call telling them to "hurry their asses she might still be alive." Alas however their luck held and she had died on impact. They then proceeded to act distraught as Wufei looked at them suspiciously. Not that he would say anything, after all he hated her as much as the rest of them. After they made sure Sandy got the proper medical treatment and verified their alibies they headed home for a bit of "mourning" which involved beer, pizza, and ice cream.  
  
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It was not even a week later that the funeral was held. Most people thought such a bright sunny day was unsuitable for a day a "terrible" as this. However once again our boys thought it was perfect. As the funeral proceeded a surprise was made as the Earth Unified Nations decided to declare the day a global holiday in remembrance of the pink wonder. They were calling it Relena Day. The boys didn't have a problem with this one bit however. Now they had a holiday to commemerate the day they finally rid themselves of the pink stalking monstrosity.  
  
All in all the funeral was very nice and as they placed her coffined body into the ground hundreds of flowers were thrown in as well. Heero and Duo decided to stay till the last of the dirt was thrown atop the grave. Most thought that it was the sign of a lover and his best friend mourning the loss of somebody close. Boy were they wrong. As soon as everybody had left they place a single wilted dafodill on top of the grave and started to happily stroll off into the sunset. However as they were walking merrily along something happened to make them run for the hills. A hand shot up from the ground as a resounding cry was heard.  
  
"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
NEVER END  
  
Usa: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH and HEEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHEH well what do you think? Any C&C welcome and appreciated however if you don't like don't flame. If you would like to say you didn't like it thats fine as long as it is a constructive review. Any way this fic has been brought to you by the insane minds of me and Moon Princess who was my co-auth for this story. We are thinking of doing a sequel but we're not quite sure yet.  
  
Moon P: So do you think it worked? I mean ... know, using our plans to rid ourselves of my "best" friend , a.k.a your sister?  
  
Usa: Oh I don't know wait and we'll see I guess. But you know we could always test our theory of killing her for the sequel first to make it more realistic. You know for research puposes. They can't arrest us if its in the name of science........................errr. can they?  
  
Moon P: Well, who can say ? But I personally think we should really try them out on G.G. I don't think anyone will really miss her. Ding Dong The witch is dead, witch 'ol witch the very dead witch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Usa: Now Now calling her a witch is really going to far. That's an insult to Harry Potter characters.  
  
MoonP: Opps! My bad. Then what can we call her?  
  
Usa: I normally stick with either Baka, Poo-Head, and Butt-Munch but that's just me.  
  
MoonP: But that's still an insult to alot of people. Now what way should we kill her,..opps, I mean "RELENA" next?  
  
Usa: I'm sure we'll think of something. Oh I know lets ask HER advice?  
  
MoonP: "HER"!!!! Ask her advice!?! Are you nuts!?! Welllllllll, I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask.  
  
Usa: Of course not my plans are flawless (except when they're not) and in regards to that nuts comment. Are you just NOW noticing. Oh no. I'm WWAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY past nuts. Any want to join in on my ride into insanity. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....hehe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
MoonP: FLAWLESS! Now that's the understatement of the year or should we try a century?!!!!!!! Well, I already KNEW you were way past nuts I just thought it was time somebody said out loud.  
  
Usa:Very good very good. Yes. Warn the mass populace.  
  
MoonP: Now,as I was saying, I'm already on your insane ride too insanity. Hmmmmmm. Does insane and insanity go in the same sentence like that?  
  
Usa: Does in my world. Another on my side. Run for the hills this is your first, last, and only warning. Run far and fast. Captives we be tortured by being strapped to a chair and forced to watch the following programs, Tellatubbies, Mr. Rodgers, Lamb Chop, Barney, and of course the THIS IS JUST A TEST broadcasts. Hehehehe...!!!!!??????----""";;;;.$$#$#$(&(&()&((()&(&&$)3HJK3ER  
  
Moon P: Now that's been said go off on a completely different subject, Is there any other people out there who think that NEWTYPE should feature more GUYS in their centerfold!!!???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean am I right about this Usa?  
  
Usa: OHHHHH yeah!!!! Shummy Shummy BISHIES!!!!! We should start a petition.  
  
MoonP: Alright lets do that!!! Well it's getting past Usa's bedtime so byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Usa: Night! Night! Sleep tight! Let the bed bugs bite and have CHAOTIC dreams. See Ya!!!!!!!! (waves insanly as if you could see her)  
  
Disclaimer: We are not liable for any psychatric bills that may arise after this particular story. Because we're not actually writing this. Just like your not reading this. It all in your mind. BWahahahahahahahahahhahahahahah? '' 


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